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Good Morning!

Your daily laugh as requested sent to you with the intention of 
brightening up your day!

Why not give someone else a laugh.  Forward this e.mail to 
everyone you know.



IMPORTANT NOTE

It is possible that you will have received your daily laugh from 
another source or will have been added to our mailing list at the 
request of a friend or colleague.  

We realise that some may not appreciate being added to our 
mailing list without prior consent.  With this in mind we are now 
asking anybody that wishes to be added to the mailing list to 
subscribe direct.  

If you have already subscribed to our mailing list then please 
disregard this message and enjoy the jokes.

However, If you wish to subscribe then please send a blank e.mail 
to one of the below addresses that best describes where you are 
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Those that do nothing will automatically be removed from the list 
after today.

I thank you all for your anticipated co-operation.

Now for today's jokes!!!!!!!!

__________________________________________________________

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a
fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks 
the
bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a
prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that 
someone so
attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back 
to the
bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. 
The guy
gets up his nerve and approaches her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front 
door and
sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.

"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs.
Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He
leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's 
ever had. This
hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his 
miserable
life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for 
her to
show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500", "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy 
looks out
front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that 
building
with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He 
leaves with
her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints-twice.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for 
some
pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points 
down the
street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see 
that
island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own 
Manhattan!"

_________________________________________________________

                       Bi-semantic dictionary



THINGY (thing-ee) n.

female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
male:   The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.

female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male:   A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.

female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the
        upper levels in business.
male:   What would really be great at work since that hot babe 
took
        over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male:   Playing cricket without a box.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
        partner.
male:   Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
        weekend with the lads.

BUM (bum) n.

female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured 
makes
        look bigger.
male:   The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male:   Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
        girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male:   Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male:   An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and 
male
        bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male:    What men have to call "shagging" to get women to shag.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

female:  A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male:    A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 
2&1/2
         minutes.

_________________________________________________________

A man walks into the butchers shop and orders a pound of 
sausages.  The
butcher turns to the man and says:

"I bet you the price of those sausages that you can't get those 
pieces
of meat
down off the shelf behind me!"

The man looks up at the shelf and says:

"I'm not betting, the steaks are too high".

_________________________________________________________

Three lawyers and three Engineers are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets 
and
watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a
lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

They all board the train.  The lawyers take their respective 
seats but
all three Engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind 
them.
Shortly after the  train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.  He knocks on the toilet door and says,
"Ticket, please."  The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand.  The conductor takes it and moves 
on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.  So
(recognizing the Engineers' superior intellect) after the 
conference,
the lawyers decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and 
save
some money.  When they get to the station, they buy
a single ticket for the return trip.  To their astonishment, the
Engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one 
perplexed
lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a toilet.  
The
three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his toilet and 
walks
over to the toilet where the lawyers are hiding.  He knocks on 
the
door and says, "Ticket, please."

___________________________________________________________

Enjoy the rest of your day and have a great weekend!

Best Wishes

Chris
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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